You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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