My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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