I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
