We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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