This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
