I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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