So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.