Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.