have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
