I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
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i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
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I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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