I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
