When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"