i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
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mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
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I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours