My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
