I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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