I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
