My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
