I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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