mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.