Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
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Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
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I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.