Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
please come you make the beer taste better
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake