Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
