did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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