Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
