if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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