Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
