I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
