hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Randomize
