Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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