does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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