i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
