I'm lost and stupid without you.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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