my phone needs a breathalizer
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
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