The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
