Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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