The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
