I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
