Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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