Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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