a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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