Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
