I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
