Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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