God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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