I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
