So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
