never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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