I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
