if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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