there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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