anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
