I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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