Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
