Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
