God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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