OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize