you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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