there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
