Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
