Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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